42 posts tagged “blog therapy”

I write my posts as a bit of blog therapy for me rather than thinking someone will read it, but I have to say I always feel better after reading your comments.  Thank you so much. 

I just popped open a beer even though I wanted to go cold turkey this IVF.  I just spotted my neighbor on the street - she and her husband are opera singers so they have the summer off and have been gone visiting their families in Scandinavia.  We share a backyard so we see them a lot when they are home... and she has a rather pronounced belly now.  Instead of being the good neighbor and welcoming her home, I ran into my apartment and hid.

Gaah.  That makes 6 in one week.

On the up-side, I took my last birth control pill this morning in preparation for our 5th round of IVF.  This round has to be it for us, right?  It's gonna work?!

Oh come on already!  I've put another Facebooker on 'hide' because she's announced her pregnancy with a big happy sonogram as her profile photo.  This week's tally for hitting the 'hide' button due to baby blabber?  Five.

This latest one pisses me off a bit more than the others because she's so young and flaky.  She's actually a friend of some friends and I met her for the first time when she came to our house for the orphan's New Year's Eve party (orphans being expats with nowhere else to go).  She smoked up before she arrived - I thought she was just unfriendly.  Turns out she's a quiet stoner.  (Why would you smoke up before showing up at a stranger's house?  Odd and rather anti-social is what I'm saying...)

Another young 'un is also in the throes of morning sickness - 22, married to a guy nearly two decades older who she met while playing video games online.  They courted through the game before she came over to schnitzel-land to meet him in person.  It's kind of a sweet story if you can ignore the creepy things he's said to her.  (She's also in one of my expat groups.)

#3 was nearly devastated that it took them 6 whole months to conceive.  Of course, she hadn't charted or done anything like that, so I think 6 months is rather reasonable.  She doesn't want to hear that though, so I won't say it.  She will be hearing the smack of my head against a very immobile wall if she doesn't cut out the whining about it... you're pregnant and so obviously not infertile, so SHUT THE F UP ABOUT ALMOST BEING INFERTILE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT.  Whew.

#4 has kids that are nearly out of the house.  "Whoops" doesn't even start to cover it.  She's happy and sad all at the same time.  I can completely understand why she feels the way she does, but I'm also not in a position to hear from someone who isn't overjoyed to be pregnant.

#5 is someone I know only online and who has gone through more than double the number of miscarriages I have.  I am so happy for her, I really am, but I can't read literally 20 updates a day from her on the subject.  Oooh - you hiccuped again?!  Can that be a sign that your baby is a boy?  Three farts in two hours?  That means twins, right?  Eight weeks along and she bought a stroller, then posted photos of the stroller, then her buyers remorse for not getting it in blue instead of brown... at 8 weeks!  After 7 miscarriages!

Wow, am I bitter today.  And awfully judgy.  I shall wear a long black robe and carry a gavel this evening (or my bathrobe and a wooden spoon as I have neither a black robe nor a gavel). 

CD 3:

Is this our last round?  Not sure yet.  Some adoption agencies in the US have recently stopped taking overseas US citizens as clients, I guess we'll probably go for another round.

Let me again take this opportunity to rant about folks who ask, "Why don't you just adopt?"

1. I'm afraid to take on a special-needs child with my family so far away and my support network here consisting mainly of transient expats.  Many countries do not allow 'healthy' children to be adopted outside of their home country, even if it means those children languish in orphanages.
2. I'll be turned down by many agencies in my own country because I live overseas.  It's not illegal, but it is difficult and many agencies don't want to deal with it anymore.
3. There are few German babies to be adopted.  We're looking at a 4 year wait here, by which time we'll probably be deemed too old.
4. Will you lend me €20,000 euros for a non-German adoption?  Didn't think so.

You can't seriously support George Bush and criticize Barack Obama's grammar!  I don't care if you support George Bush or not, but the irony of calling out Obama's grammar and speech patterns is too much hypocracy for me.

Gaah.

(I'd post this in direct response to her comment on Facebook, but I don't need to start a family feud.)

Hi all.  Yet another friend has given birth - Lucia Elissa was born early yesterday morning.  That makes 4(!) this month, and another friend just went to his very first Lamaze class with his wife.  Add my 2 colleagues who are due in August and September, and that's a crapload of babies.

We're going to start what will most likely be our last round of IVF soon, and I'm trying to be positive.  A couple of friends have suggested that I read The Secret, but I can't bring myself to visualize myself pregnant every day because I can only think of how crushing it will be when it all ends badly.

Sorry for the bummer post - I had to get that out.  Thanks.  And thanks so much for all of your comments - it's so nice to know I'm not alone here.  :)

It's occurred to me recently that I haven't been invited anywhere.  Karen had a dinner at her house a couple of weeks ago and the rest of the gang was there, but not me.  Then I found out that Elissa had a dinner on Saturday and again we weren't invited.

I'm not sure why this is happening now.  I'm guessing it's because I've been all hermity and bummed out and generally not a chipper, happy person.  It makes me sad, though, that only one of this group has kept in regular touch with me.

I've invited everyone over to our place several times (and they have accepted) and I've tried to keep the bummed-outness under control as much as I possibly can.

But who wants to hang out with Eeyore?  I can understand it, although I don't like it.

We've been talking about hosting a housewarming party, but now I really don't feel like inviting anyone.  I'm turning purple and mopey...

It was 32° C last Friday.  It is 16° C this Friday.

Damn.  I wanted more ice cream.

For non-metric folks out there:
32° C = 90° F
16° C = 61° F

Today is my due date from the second miscarriage.  I also got my period this morning from the failed IVF.  Holy crap, the cramps are bad.  And it's Monday.  I'm trying to lose the weight I gained through this whole journey, so I can't console myself with chocolate, either.

I bought a giant, complicated knitting machine yesterday.  It has more accessories and moving parts than my old Vespa.  I'm going to focus on learning to use it tonight, I think (Mr. Twinge has to work late, as usual.)

And maybe crack open some of the Swiss chocolate we brought back from Zürich last weekend.

I didn't know where else to save this, but I don't want to lose it off of my phone.  It's a text message from the remaining cat, as dictated to my lovely friend who stopped by our apartment this afternoon to make sure Stevie wasn't too lonely without Tibor.

Hallo Mama.Mir geht es gut.Gabi und Nanka haben mich geweckt,als ich so schön in Deinem und Papas Bett geschlafen habe.Aber dann habe ich einen Stick bekommen und bin gar nicht mehr böse.Jetzt sitzen wir draussen und genießen die Sonne.Ich soll schön grüßen von den Beiden.Kiss,Stevie

Translated:
Hello Mama.  I'm fine. Gabi and Nanka woke me up while I was sleeping so well on your and Papa's bed. But then they gave me some stick (ed: treats) and now I'm not angry.  Now we're sitting outside enjoying the sun.  I'm also supposed to say hi from the two of them.  Kiss, Stevie

Chalk up another point against me in 2009.  We had to put our cat Tibor to sleep over the weekend.  Poor guy's kidneys failed - there was nothing useful to be done.

Three pregnancies and one cat lost in 10 months.  Damn it.

I want a do-over.